and what is this life that I've made for myself?
and who is this person I've created?
Is it me?
Am I really as powerful and beautiful and smart as I seem?
Am I really worthy of all of this love?
Sometimes this emptiness creeps in from the dark recesses of my mind
or my heart
and I step outside of myself and look
and listen
and wonder
Who am I?
Who am I to have so much good in my life when others suffer?
Who am I who has the privilege of experiencing joy?
Does the emptiness seek to humble me or ruin me?
Or perhaps bring me to newer heights, to greater things.
I have always listened to the emptiness
and sought to satiate the hunger
and it has brought me through much hardship and turmoil
but eventually, through perseverance, back again to joy.
So again I step outside myself
and I revel in the beauty that is my life
and say
"It may just get even better than this"
and I reach out to myself
and grab my hand and pull.
I will invariably stumble and fall and scrape my knee
but I have my power and my beauty and my wits
and I will stand up again to fight and find
an even greater joy.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Nothingness
There is a darkness
inside the human mind.
The surrounding border-line
stretches out like a wall,
wider than a day's journey,
taller than any man could reach.
In places thick and solid,
others cracked and crumbling,
where ivy takes root
wearing it away.
Dark creatures scurry or slink
in and out of the shrieking void
that reaches forth,
whispering empty promises.
This is for my cousin, a wonderful friend and a great person, who took his own life this week. You are loved and we miss you.
inside the human mind.
The surrounding border-line
stretches out like a wall,
wider than a day's journey,
taller than any man could reach.
In places thick and solid,
others cracked and crumbling,
where ivy takes root
wearing it away.
Dark creatures scurry or slink
in and out of the shrieking void
that reaches forth,
whispering empty promises.
This is for my cousin, a wonderful friend and a great person, who took his own life this week. You are loved and we miss you.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Poetry! Because...why not?!
I haven't written a poem in almost 8 years. At least until this week. I hadn't intended to turn this into a poetry reading but I figure no one reads this blog so it doesn't matter much what I put on here. Plus, we all need more poetry in our lives.
It's like reading aloud in an empty room or something. Echo-ey. :)
Shape-Shifter
I am in constant evolution.
An ever-flowing river
runs deep,
in search of my core.
The shadow of my past in tow,
no regrets, only hope.
I travel down my path, knowing
I have changed again.
And some may call me "fool"
or feel shame through their love,
But I know this path is right
for it is mine which makes it so.
And should our paths lead apart,
I wish you well.
Do not follow, for at times I stray
to forage for nourishment,
And often never need
to find my way back.
It's like reading aloud in an empty room or something. Echo-ey. :)
Shape-Shifter
I am in constant evolution.
An ever-flowing river
runs deep,
in search of my core.
The shadow of my past in tow,
no regrets, only hope.
I travel down my path, knowing
I have changed again.
And some may call me "fool"
or feel shame through their love,
But I know this path is right
for it is mine which makes it so.
And should our paths lead apart,
I wish you well.
Do not follow, for at times I stray
to forage for nourishment,
And often never need
to find my way back.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Strange Rain
I am at a block party with my daughter. There is food, music, and dancing and all of the neighborhood kids have come out and are playing in the street. All of the sudden, one of those turtle shaped sand boxes falls out of the sky. No one is hurt, but everything stops and people are just staring at this sand box and then at they sky wondering how it happened. Just then, a tricycle falls and hits one of the men in the head. At this point people are starting to panic. The sky becomes dark and it starts to rain. With the rain is falling swim rings and other water toys. The rain is torrential and soon it begins to flood. I find my daughter and grab as many of the swim rings I can carry and put them around us. We head for home, but are swept away by the tide. I cling to her and try to find a tree or balcony we can climb up on to get out of the water. As soon as I climb onto the roof of a small shed, I wake up.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Diamond Heist
Ever have a dream where you're just watching the action, but you're not really there? That is what this dream was like. I felt very close to one of the characters but it definitely wasn't me.
A helicopter Flies over the museum and lands on the roof at 2am. This is a Stealth-Chopper which makes no noise and goes unnoticed even to the homeless men on the steps of the giant building. Five men jump out and start working with little hand held gadgets that seemingly disable the security system without the armed guards noticing. One man breaks into the building, going straight to the closed circuit security camera room and demobilizes the guards with a hypodermic needle full of something. He quickly puts the camera feed on a loop and radios to his teammates that all is clear. The rest of the team enters the building keeping an eye out for the patrolling guards.
They knock out the rest of the guards and enter into a large room that contains a giant Marquis Diamond about the size of a dump truck. It is surrounded by bullet-proof glass from floor to ceiling and the only entrance (for polishing the diamond of course) is through the ceiling. The team breaks out their copy of the museum's floor plan and reviews their entry plan. After a few deft movements, one of the team members emerges from the entrance in the ceiling. Using the handheld device to disable the separate security in the "Marquis Room" he rides a climbing rope down to the floor. Two other team members follow suit and the three of them work on securing a large harness around the diamond. About this time, the ceiling opens up and four ropes fall down from the hovering helicopter.
In another part of the building, a female security guard wakes up from her nap in the souvenir shop and hears the men shouting and the clanking of metal as they secure the harness. She readies her sidearm and stealthily moves into the security camera room. Being a less than apt museum employee, she is unable to switch the cameras off of the loop and when trying to call the police she finds that the phone lines have been cut. Her cell phone has no signal. Seeing the unconscious guard on the floor of the camera room, she knows she is all alone. She takes his gun and ammo, the extra ammo from the cabinet, and decides to find the perpetrators so she can report to the authorities.
As she rounds the corner to peek into the Marquis Room, the team of men are climbing up the ropes and boarding the helicopter. They will get away if she doesn't act quickly. Not knowing what she is doing or why, she makes a mad dash for the diamond and jumps into the harness. The helicopter silently carries away the diamond and its stowaway.
"What now?" She thinks to herself. Wedged between carbon and canvas, she realizes she is probably hundreds of feet in the air and all she has to protect herself when she lands is two pistols that she can't even shoot well. She peeks out over the edge and sees that they are headed towards the forest just outside of town. What has she gotten herself into? How can she alert the authorities before they kill her? The cell phone! She digs into her pocket looking for it and dials 911. "Hello? Yes, I'm a security guard for the Museum of Natural Science and I need to report that the Marquis Diamond is being stolen! We are moving South West towards -- Yes, 'we', I am stowed away in the helicopter -- Yes, I am an employee of the Museum! No, listen I need you to get the police to follow exactly where I say -- I assure you this is not a prank. Please! At least send some people to the museum to check. WELL WOULDN'T IT BE BEST IF YOU JUST CHECKED? YOU DON'T WANT THIS ON YOUR HEAD, LADY!" The operator hangs up. Unsure if anything would be done, she calls her boyfriend. "Hey honey! Not to upset you or anything, but I'm in a bit of a bind. -- Yeah, I'm OK for now, but I need you to listen for a minute." She tells him the situation and he gathers up some friends and guns and heads in the direction of the helicopter.
The chopper slows and starts to descend beside a warehouse. The security guard knows exactly where they are. She decides that as they reach the ground she will jump out and head for some nearby bushes. She sets her phone to vibrate and waits for the right moment. A few feet from the ground, she jumps and runs. She waits in the bushes and watches as the men slide down the ropes to direct the diamond onto a large wheeled platform and release it from its harness. Looking around for landmarks, she sees nothing. Texting her boyfriend, she alerts him of where they are and tells him she is safe. He texts back that he has called the police and alerted them of her whereabouts. She tries to catch a glimpse of the faces of the men. They are too far away and she must only remember their height and build. One man appears to have an Italian accent and another has a very clear tattoo of a marquis diamond on his shoulder. The other men could be anyone.
They push the giant diamond into the warehouse, close the door and two men with automatic weapons stand guard. Unable to move, the museum security guard waits patiently for the police to arrive.
Ahh, the dreaded alarm clock. I suppose the police may have arrived after some time. Or perhaps her phone might vibrate, rustling some leaves and alerting the men of something in the bushes. The world may never know.
A helicopter Flies over the museum and lands on the roof at 2am. This is a Stealth-Chopper which makes no noise and goes unnoticed even to the homeless men on the steps of the giant building. Five men jump out and start working with little hand held gadgets that seemingly disable the security system without the armed guards noticing. One man breaks into the building, going straight to the closed circuit security camera room and demobilizes the guards with a hypodermic needle full of something. He quickly puts the camera feed on a loop and radios to his teammates that all is clear. The rest of the team enters the building keeping an eye out for the patrolling guards.
They knock out the rest of the guards and enter into a large room that contains a giant Marquis Diamond about the size of a dump truck. It is surrounded by bullet-proof glass from floor to ceiling and the only entrance (for polishing the diamond of course) is through the ceiling. The team breaks out their copy of the museum's floor plan and reviews their entry plan. After a few deft movements, one of the team members emerges from the entrance in the ceiling. Using the handheld device to disable the separate security in the "Marquis Room" he rides a climbing rope down to the floor. Two other team members follow suit and the three of them work on securing a large harness around the diamond. About this time, the ceiling opens up and four ropes fall down from the hovering helicopter.
In another part of the building, a female security guard wakes up from her nap in the souvenir shop and hears the men shouting and the clanking of metal as they secure the harness. She readies her sidearm and stealthily moves into the security camera room. Being a less than apt museum employee, she is unable to switch the cameras off of the loop and when trying to call the police she finds that the phone lines have been cut. Her cell phone has no signal. Seeing the unconscious guard on the floor of the camera room, she knows she is all alone. She takes his gun and ammo, the extra ammo from the cabinet, and decides to find the perpetrators so she can report to the authorities.
As she rounds the corner to peek into the Marquis Room, the team of men are climbing up the ropes and boarding the helicopter. They will get away if she doesn't act quickly. Not knowing what she is doing or why, she makes a mad dash for the diamond and jumps into the harness. The helicopter silently carries away the diamond and its stowaway.
"What now?" She thinks to herself. Wedged between carbon and canvas, she realizes she is probably hundreds of feet in the air and all she has to protect herself when she lands is two pistols that she can't even shoot well. She peeks out over the edge and sees that they are headed towards the forest just outside of town. What has she gotten herself into? How can she alert the authorities before they kill her? The cell phone! She digs into her pocket looking for it and dials 911. "Hello? Yes, I'm a security guard for the Museum of Natural Science and I need to report that the Marquis Diamond is being stolen! We are moving South West towards -- Yes, 'we', I am stowed away in the helicopter -- Yes, I am an employee of the Museum! No, listen I need you to get the police to follow exactly where I say -- I assure you this is not a prank. Please! At least send some people to the museum to check. WELL WOULDN'T IT BE BEST IF YOU JUST CHECKED? YOU DON'T WANT THIS ON YOUR HEAD, LADY!" The operator hangs up. Unsure if anything would be done, she calls her boyfriend. "Hey honey! Not to upset you or anything, but I'm in a bit of a bind. -- Yeah, I'm OK for now, but I need you to listen for a minute." She tells him the situation and he gathers up some friends and guns and heads in the direction of the helicopter.
The chopper slows and starts to descend beside a warehouse. The security guard knows exactly where they are. She decides that as they reach the ground she will jump out and head for some nearby bushes. She sets her phone to vibrate and waits for the right moment. A few feet from the ground, she jumps and runs. She waits in the bushes and watches as the men slide down the ropes to direct the diamond onto a large wheeled platform and release it from its harness. Looking around for landmarks, she sees nothing. Texting her boyfriend, she alerts him of where they are and tells him she is safe. He texts back that he has called the police and alerted them of her whereabouts. She tries to catch a glimpse of the faces of the men. They are too far away and she must only remember their height and build. One man appears to have an Italian accent and another has a very clear tattoo of a marquis diamond on his shoulder. The other men could be anyone.
They push the giant diamond into the warehouse, close the door and two men with automatic weapons stand guard. Unable to move, the museum security guard waits patiently for the police to arrive.
Ahh, the dreaded alarm clock. I suppose the police may have arrived after some time. Or perhaps her phone might vibrate, rustling some leaves and alerting the men of something in the bushes. The world may never know.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Snippets of a Dream
The following dreams occured after my alarm went off this morning. The first after the first alarm and the second after the second alarm.
Dream one: Enviromentally Appropriate Transit
So I am riding a bike along Kingston Pike in Knoxville, TN. Everyone is on a bike. It's the newest form of exercise combined with transportation. Very fuel efficient, very environmentally sound. The whole city has slimmed down due to the abolition of motor cars. I must say I am pretty hot as a size 8. Only emergency vehicles are allowed to run on ethanol. As I come up to a traffic light, I can hear sirens, but not where they are coming from. People begin moving their bikes to the shoulder and I follow suit. After the Fire Truck passes, everyone goes back to their places and begins pedaling toward their destinations. As I take the next on ramp to the interstate, there is a handicapped man who has overturned his wheelchair on the sharp turn. I stop and help him back into the chair. We start talking as we continue our commute. The man is kind and funny and just as he is about to ask me out....
Dream Two: When it Rains, the Apartment Floods
I am half asleep in my bed. Laying on the top bunk of a bunk bed, my daughter is trying to wake me. I brush her off and she falls off the bed. *Splash* "That was weird," I think as I groggily pick my head up and look around. It is raining in the apartment. I hop off the bed into knee deep water and wade into the kitchen. There is a large basin filling with water and pots and buckets strewn about. The layout of the apartment seems unfamiliar and I suddenly realize I'm dreaming! Now this has happened to me before and I have managed to wake myself up by trying to open my eyes as wide as I can. This opens my eyes in real life and I wake up. Well this time, as the water rapidly rises and Rebecca now has her swimsuit (with the nifty built in flotation chamber) and her swim ring on I am trying desperately to wake up. "Is this a dream?" I think. "Are we going to drown for real?" I can't wake myself up, so I assume the worst and head toward the door in search of rescue. As I open the door....
"Mommy! Mommy! wake up!" Ever since she was born, her voice never fails to wake me. Thank goodness it was a dream!
Dream one: Enviromentally Appropriate Transit
So I am riding a bike along Kingston Pike in Knoxville, TN. Everyone is on a bike. It's the newest form of exercise combined with transportation. Very fuel efficient, very environmentally sound. The whole city has slimmed down due to the abolition of motor cars. I must say I am pretty hot as a size 8. Only emergency vehicles are allowed to run on ethanol. As I come up to a traffic light, I can hear sirens, but not where they are coming from. People begin moving their bikes to the shoulder and I follow suit. After the Fire Truck passes, everyone goes back to their places and begins pedaling toward their destinations. As I take the next on ramp to the interstate, there is a handicapped man who has overturned his wheelchair on the sharp turn. I stop and help him back into the chair. We start talking as we continue our commute. The man is kind and funny and just as he is about to ask me out....Dream Two: When it Rains, the Apartment Floods
I am half asleep in my bed. Laying on the top bunk of a bunk bed, my daughter is trying to wake me. I brush her off and she falls off the bed. *Splash* "That was weird," I think as I groggily pick my head up and look around. It is raining in the apartment. I hop off the bed into knee deep water and wade into the kitchen. There is a large basin filling with water and pots and buckets strewn about. The layout of the apartment seems unfamiliar and I suddenly realize I'm dreaming! Now this has happened to me before and I have managed to wake myself up by trying to open my eyes as wide as I can. This opens my eyes in real life and I wake up. Well this time, as the water rapidly rises and Rebecca now has her swimsuit (with the nifty built in flotation chamber) and her swim ring on I am trying desperately to wake up. "Is this a dream?" I think. "Are we going to drown for real?" I can't wake myself up, so I assume the worst and head toward the door in search of rescue. As I open the door...."Mommy! Mommy! wake up!" Ever since she was born, her voice never fails to wake me. Thank goodness it was a dream!
Friday, June 22, 2007
Recurring Nightmare
This is a disturbing nightmare that I've had once before. I wasn't going to post it because it involves a couple that I know and it's really quite unsettling. I have decided that because I had the dream again it was worth posting. I am omitting the names for obvious reasons.
I am riding through the mountains in the passenger side of an SUV. I am a detective for the FBI and my partner (played by my step dad) is driving. As we drive through a secluded wood over a dirt path, we come across a flooded creek. There is no bridge, but the water looks shallow enough to drive through. As we slowly creep through the water, it rapidly rises and begins filling the SUV. Soon we are floating down the river and through some violent rapids. Why we do not sink or get stuck on the rocks and trees is surprising to me. Finally, we wash ashore near a small town hidden in the trees.
It is the town we are looking for, a somewhat popular tourist attraction for lovebirds. There have been several murders in this town but the community is so close, no one is willing to condemn anyone else. The perpetrator we are tracking is raping and killing young women in their 20's. These women all have fiances and all were last seen with them. After doing some basic detective work we seem to be hot on the trail of our killer. Even figuring out who his next target may be. As the bed and breakfasts have been shut down due to the bad publicity, we deduct that the killer will be after a local couple (the second local woman in the string of murders) and we follow her at a safe distance.
After some commotion involving a fire at the local dive bar, we lose sight of our bait. The couple are gone and as we scramble to find them, we come across a small outdoor chapel area. The man is sitting on the altar, facing away from us, rubbing his head. The woman is nowhere in sight. The man is disoriented, bewildered and bawling. I walk the man back to his car as my partner searches for clues of the woman's whereabouts.
As we walk through a narrow passage, we see a figure ahead carrying a large load. The man takes off towards the figure and I follow, gun drawn. The figure drops his burden and takes off into the woods. We come up to the woman, she is naked and smeared with blood. Even more bewildered the man falls to the ground beside his love, trembling. I check her vitals as my partner comes from behind and passes in pursuit of the killer. She is gone. I call the local sherrif for backup and EMTs for the mourning fiance.
As we wait for help, the man springs up and back toward the chapel. I am unsure whether to follow him or stay with the body. I decide to follow at a distance, but just as I lose sight of him through the narrow passage, I hear a gunshot. He has taken his own life with a small revolver from the woman's purse. He had purchased it for her as protection when this fiasco began. It could not protect either of them.
I have not yet been able to see this killer detained. Towards the end of the dream I am always somewhat aware that I am dreaming. If I have the dream again, I hope to take some control and stop the couple from being killed. It is really disturbing to me because I actually know the people in the dream. Even some of the previously murdered women are my friends.
I am riding through the mountains in the passenger side of an SUV. I am a detective for the FBI and my partner (played by my step dad) is driving. As we drive through a secluded wood over a dirt path, we come across a flooded creek. There is no bridge, but the water looks shallow enough to drive through. As we slowly creep through the water, it rapidly rises and begins filling the SUV. Soon we are floating down the river and through some violent rapids. Why we do not sink or get stuck on the rocks and trees is surprising to me. Finally, we wash ashore near a small town hidden in the trees.It is the town we are looking for, a somewhat popular tourist attraction for lovebirds. There have been several murders in this town but the community is so close, no one is willing to condemn anyone else. The perpetrator we are tracking is raping and killing young women in their 20's. These women all have fiances and all were last seen with them. After doing some basic detective work we seem to be hot on the trail of our killer. Even figuring out who his next target may be. As the bed and breakfasts have been shut down due to the bad publicity, we deduct that the killer will be after a local couple (the second local woman in the string of murders) and we follow her at a safe distance.
After some commotion involving a fire at the local dive bar, we lose sight of our bait. The couple are gone and as we scramble to find them, we come across a small outdoor chapel area. The man is sitting on the altar, facing away from us, rubbing his head. The woman is nowhere in sight. The man is disoriented, bewildered and bawling. I walk the man back to his car as my partner searches for clues of the woman's whereabouts.
As we walk through a narrow passage, we see a figure ahead carrying a large load. The man takes off towards the figure and I follow, gun drawn. The figure drops his burden and takes off into the woods. We come up to the woman, she is naked and smeared with blood. Even more bewildered the man falls to the ground beside his love, trembling. I check her vitals as my partner comes from behind and passes in pursuit of the killer. She is gone. I call the local sherrif for backup and EMTs for the mourning fiance.
As we wait for help, the man springs up and back toward the chapel. I am unsure whether to follow him or stay with the body. I decide to follow at a distance, but just as I lose sight of him through the narrow passage, I hear a gunshot. He has taken his own life with a small revolver from the woman's purse. He had purchased it for her as protection when this fiasco began. It could not protect either of them.
I have not yet been able to see this killer detained. Towards the end of the dream I am always somewhat aware that I am dreaming. If I have the dream again, I hope to take some control and stop the couple from being killed. It is really disturbing to me because I actually know the people in the dream. Even some of the previously murdered women are my friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)